I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
