I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
