Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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