Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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