I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
