I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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