So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
The beer is more important than you right now.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
