i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
