i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
