My first STD was from a foam party
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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