Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
