meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Buhtt sex?
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
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