Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
