Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
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