i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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