Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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