Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
