I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
