i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
false alarm, still single
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