some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize