Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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