I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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