and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Shame - the story of my life.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
