You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I think I won the penis lottery.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
