He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Randomize
