I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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