What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
