im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
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