I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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