On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
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