i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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