I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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