I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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