He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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