Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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