Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
