D3 body, D1 cock
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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