Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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