Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
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