Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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