My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize