So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
