I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
