woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
im six kinds of drunk right now
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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