If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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