I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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