Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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