a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
