I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
the liver wants what the liver wants
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
