I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Blood and glitter go together right?
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
