Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
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