if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I think I died a long time ago.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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