Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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