please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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