I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
