There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
