I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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