i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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