I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Randomize
