One girl and one boy is just not enough.
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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