Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Randomize
